Feel Me?????????

It's New Years Resolution Time. Along with the promises to lose weight, some of y'all out there jumped back on Love's Highway looking for Mr. Right (heading for a breakdown and triple A won't save you)...As you know if you've read this blog at all, the Barbie has no illusions. Hell I don't even believe in love anymore, romance is dead and brotherly love....what's that? I almost got totaled on the highway again this week by some guy in a pick up truck who wanted my lane and his. I'm in no mood...I wore black every day last week.I feel like channeling the spirit of Huey Newton, Eldridge Cleaver, Nat Turner, John Brown, Fannie Lou Hammer, Harriet Tubman and kickin some ass......But that would get me locked up for sure and how in hell could I self soothe behind bars? Huh???? So I wrote this poem. Feel the rage?
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Cyber Love

there He is again/the man i just knew was destined
to be my friend
what's that he's doing?/jackin' off sweet talk with
that other Cyber Ho who ain't worth knowin'
what a man, what a man, what?
ugh! man!/i thought you were a mighty, mighty good man
can you stand to have a real woman in your life?
look me over/download that pic
i'd make you a really good wife
what's that you say? can i handle some dick?
you're rock hard and wanna lick my clit?
nigguh pleeeeeezzzzz/ you got me confused
with some everyday skeez-a
playa
i ain't no round the way/and as for rockin my world
not in that jerri curl/did i go there?
dam right and i got all night
to bring you to your senses/so you won't stay alone
with that bone your only friend
wondering why a woman like me won't be your company
ya see it's like this 'n like that
i can't stand the rain/won't put up with no more pain
i'm just a woman who's tired of games...
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Talking in Tongues aka Barbie

Ain't That Peculiar

I am not nor have I ever been mistaken for cool....Oh I must immediately take that back. I just remembered being dragged to a run down squat of a church buried in Georgia muck on the wrong side of town because my friend Linda wanted to go hear 'da man of Gawd; according to Linda, a real sho nuff modern day Profit (ummm I meant Prophet). If you still call your hair "moisturizer" hair grease, then you know the kind of place I mean. The church was about as big as my living room. I am skeptical by nature and probably had a wicked sneer on my face that would shame the Grinch. But mostly, I was nervous. Anybody ever play The Dozens? It's like having someone sniff your dirty drawers in front of people you're trying to impress. You are exposed in every sense of the word. That's how I felt walking into that church. In the back of my mind, I thought, "What if this guy says something about me..." Ok ya'll. That's my Introduction. I have been tagged for a meme by
http://profacero.wordpress.com. My Introduction leads me to the most shameful unknown of all about me 1) When I'm nervous, I can freeze a room with coolness. The way I walked into that church reminds me of a Don L. Lee Poem.. I was refrigerator Cool! But the right Rev saw through it all. At the very end of his schtick, he called me up and called me out. He was kind enough to whisper the message he had for me and he was dead on the money. Funny how some people can make mincemeat out of others' complexities...ay 'Zero! So the more nervous I get, the cooler I become. I'd rather die than let anyone see me sweat. Is that peculiar? 2) I've never been good at introspection. I kind of take life as it comes and in the process make needless mistakes. But I'm learning. I remember the first time I ever had a genuine genuflect. I was in the recording studio trying to get it right; or at least make the notes sound the way the producer wanted them to (and I hadn't a clue). Natural, raw talent does not reproduce on cue and the producer was getting razzled. All night long he'd crooned, "Barbie baby," until in a fit of desperation, he snarled thru the headphones, "You are consistently inconsistent." I have never forgotten that statement. I think of it often. It defines my character. Try as I might, I cannot duplicate or be like anyone...even myself. Ain't that peculiar? 3) Gee coming up with six may be hard. I just thought of another song that defines me sort of. It's by Garbage..."I'm Only Happy When It Rains." It's not altogether true but I do think sunshine is overrated. I love the beach when it's 50 degrees and rainy. I used to dream of living in Moscow where I imagined myself walking the streets in a long black flowing rain coat asking strangers if they could help me find Dostoevsky?
4) This one is really easy. I admit to having a really bad temper. I try really hard to keep it in check by reminding myself of the numerous times, really dumb ass people have caused me to lose something I really treasured by pushing my buttons. 5) I am obsessive... It has always been hard for me to sleep and lately I spend too much time thinking about death and how much time I don't have left. It depresses me to see the sun go down and to know I cannot get this day back no matter what I do......and I have nothing to show for the time I was given. 6) And finally another song.....Shattered.....The hopes and dreams I held on to for most of my life are gone. I just realized that the other day and tried hard not to let the Sad take over. I have to try real hard to find some new dreams that's all. Y'all know what happens to a 'dream deferred' and I ain't no dam raisin....

Out With The Old

I have begun peeling away the layers of the house and jumpstarted my packing in anticipation of the move to the Boston area. I hope to sell the house and land a job by July. I have been uncharacteristically nonchalant about getting rid of much of the clutter. That leads the Barbie to wonder if I have indeed grown into my middle years. Here are a few other things I have shed over the past few months and I say sayonara!

1. I no longer have the need to please anyone but myself. I cinsider me first and retreat when situations and people emit the faintest odor of being toxic to my peace of mind.
2. I accept the fact that I may be alone for the rest of my life and that's alright. I give myself two thumbs up for being dam good company. My motto: Self soothing; Oh hell yes!
3. I know what makes me happy and what gives me peace. I know it can't be bought on sale.
4. I'm comfortable with every quirk and every crack in my character.
5. I give myself permission to fail.
6. Instead of being my own worse enemy, I've become my best friend.
7. I know God ain't mad at me even when I'm mad at myself. I've made peace with the fact that there are things I will never understand. But I know there is a divine order to the universe.
8. I've learned how to slow down, disconnect and enjoy the moment.
9. I've erased the glitter dust from my eyes. At times the world is ugly but I can make my corner of it an oasis.
10. No one is going to save me but I can save myself. I am strong, resourceful, intelligent, creative and capable.

There are still a few things I'm working on but all in all it was a good year. Yep!Yep! I saved$$. I accomplished some goals. I got closer to the city I love. Somewhere I heard a whisper from above...."The girl's alright!"....

Peas and Blessings to All in 2007.