Sunday, November 23, 2008

Innocence Lost

I am reading Wayne Dyer's book on inspiration. A friend at work gave it to me. S seems to think I am denying my true calling by not actively persuing publication for my writing. Hmmmmm (pause/think/pause/think). I can't say I understand all of what Dr. Dyer says about us (humans) being a part of Spirit and none of this physical world being real. Every now and then, he hooks me with the notion that we can manage our own destiny by destroying our ego (edging god out.) According to Dyer, ego connects us to problems and these problems are mostly in our minds. Hmmmmmm (pause/think/pause/think.) Sounds good but the whole process hinges on being able to forgive, (BIG PAUSE) and unforgiveness keeps us chained to the past and disconnected to the now. Without Dr. D telling me, I know I have problems in this area of unforgiveness. It would be easier to disengage from quicksand than to forgive those who have caused so much pain in my life. Why not just pilot a ship to Mars and set up a colony. That might be easier.

My attention was also hijacked this week by (A's) horrific story. She is albino. When I met her, (A) ws angry at the world. I'd like to think I had a small part in redirecting her rage into something positive. I tried to encourage her assets. She is resourceful, imaginative, hardworking and tenacious. I already knew she was in foster care. Her mother, a dope addict is in and out, (mostly out) of rehab. (A) hasn't seen her in two years. At age 12, (A) was given by the courts to a couple, whom she refers to as ("my guardians,) but in fact she needs protection from them. According to (A), the house they live in has holes in the floor and should be condemned. The couple's arguing keeps her awake at night. Hers is the only room in the house with no heat. The family includes grown daughters who live elsewhere but are a constant sorce of drama and conflict. A younger daughter lives at home. Imagine being told for five years that you should be 'lucky' to live in this hellhole and that if you don't like it, you can 'just get out.' (A) has never unpacked, (Now I know why I always see her in the same clothes), and she is desperately trying to get into college but right now can barely meet the demands of a high school schedule because of the constant turmoil at home. She stays at school most days until nightfall to avoid going home. I have seen her weight balloon out of control over the past year, I'm sure it's the stress.

I can't begin to wrap my mind around her situation. I was raised by two loving and hardworking parents. My biggest complaint growing up was having to go to church and miss football games on Sunday. There was also the angst that I was not born perky and able to spend my days on a surfboard in sunny California.

As an adult, I have come to realize that many people didn't have it so lucky. Every day, I talk to young people who were cursed with parents that should never, ever have been given children to raise. When I talked to (A) about her situation, she mentioned a friend who is being repeatedly raped by her mother's boyfriend....What do you say? Our children are growing up in cesspools created for them by selfish, ignorant sperm donors and egg producers who have no conncept of family, responsibility or moral decency. These young people are starting life below the bottom; in bottomless pits of despair that will take miracles for them to escape. These days, the world seems to have depleted its supply of miracles and so where is their hope? I asked (A) to write her story. She wrote about being albino. She wrote about self-acceptance with pride and grace beyond her years. I am ashamed that I cannot summon as much from within myself; grace to forgive.

Despite wanting to change, I still see the world as populated mostly by bottom dwellers who masquerade as decent folk, i.e. pigs in lipstick comes to mind. In other posts, I refer to them as the daylight robbers. Unlike Jesus who implored the Creator to 'bless them for they know not what they do,' I have no mercy or forgiveness for adults who should know better. I mean what does it take to realize that you don't shit on innocence. Have our life experiences disconnected us from the concept - that innocence exists? If we don't protect innocence, we might as well turn off the lights and grovel around like beggars in the dark on our knees in a sea of broken glass. I think we are almost there. There are too many (A's) in this world and not enough lightbearers.