Sunday, May 20, 2007

Dear Jesus, I Have Diarrhea and Some Really Big Problems You've Been Ignoring

Many things come to a close around this time of year and I'm congratulating myself for just making it through. Nothing ever really comes to an end. We just move on to another cycle. Sometimes the plane is higher and sometimes it's not. We stay stuck in one groove until the lesson we need to learn has sunk in. I'm stuck in a groove in one area of my life right now.

Here's how I deal with problems. I do the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and then I settle down to listen to that still small voice. It whispers and points me in the right direction. I'm waiting for it now while I do some soul searching. I want/I need to know why I let situations allow me to come undone. Not everything has that effect on me. 'Cause believe me, the Barbie can kick some ASS. I also neeed to know that evil does not triumph over good. I'm not perfect but I try my best to do the right thing. Doing the right thing has meant that my whole life has been laid out like a sacrifice to take care of someone else.

Years ago when I was starry eyed and stupid, I fell in love and the situation was a nightmare. The now ex was abusive and volatile. I had cigarettes put out on me, my head bashed against concrete, eyes blackened and I lived in fear all the time. Once he thrw me out of a moving car and came back to screm at me and humiliate me while people watched and did nothing. I learned the meaning of human compassion that day. I also learned what it means to be truly alone. I have never shaken those feelings. All of his demons mixed with some of my own turned me into a stuttering, emotional wreck. It is years later and there are miles between us but still when he rears his ugly head to haul me into court, I am right back where I was years ago. I throw up, get diarreah, my voice barely squeaks out. Over the years, he has dragged me into court no less than ten times with lies as he tries unsuccessfully to get the court to deny child support for a disbled son we both adopted during the marriage. The child is no longer a child but the court recognizes that he will need care for the rest of his life. So here we go again. He has another lawyer. He's put together another litany of lies and my life has come unglued. Over the years, the son and I have existed on a pretty thin thread of normalcy anyway.

At this point, when I am trying to move into that grand promise that the latter years can indeed be more fruitful than the former years, this thing attacks my dreams and the weak fabric of hope I have clung to. I have dared to dream of moving to New England and living a more fulfilling life.

I hear Kay loud and clear when she talks about suicidal thoughts. Been there done that and no thanks. But when I finally realized self destruction wasn't and isn't the answer, I didn't really figure out what is. I thought I had and now this latest ordeal has me wondering. I pray for little things like 8 hours of sleep or to just make it through a day without tears. I pray for the sound of a human voice that will tell me it's going to be alright.

Today at Vineyard, someone talked about friendship and how important it was to Jesus. How Jesus was really quite messed up over being betrayed by Judas so he understands when we feel betrayed. I got little comfort. Sometimes it seems that I was maybe in the restroom when Jesus/God handed out the friend magnets. I left heaven without one. It would be wrong to say there are not people who care about me but they don't live close by and mostly I am alone with too much time to be haunted by the thoughts that make me feel worthless and alone. No, there is no family either.

I feel as if I've worn out my welcome with "The Big G". I know that isn't so. But do I ever need a miracle...something more than a pat on the back and the lame reassurance that he careth for the sparrow ....yada yada....Talk is cheap. Here's my list in case JC is cruiising Blogdom....a job in New England, a really good lawyer who'll listen to me and help put an end to these court appearances, someone to buy my house, real friends, I want my confidence and my life back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If JC had just talked about turning that water into wine, he'd have gone down in history as a wanna be. He always backed it up. Well he hasn't backed it up with me for some time. Lots of Christians as far as I'm concerned work themselves up into believeing things have changed when they really haven't. Those are the kind that criticize people like me and tell me I don't have enough faith. To that I say walk in my shoes and shut up for now. Why is God' s mercy handed out like lottery numbers? Sometimes ya win it and sometimes ya don't and when ya don't ,"Aw child the answer comes like this; faith is the evidence of things unseen." Faith is doing nothing for my diarreah and I DO BELIEVE HE CAN............SO MOVE ALREADY WHILE I'M STILL HERE