Sunday, April 13, 2008

How Was I to Know?

I look back on all those good times
we once shared and I must have been blind
just to think i'd find someone new
one who'd love me better than you
well it may come as a surprise
loneliness has opened my eyes
I’ve tried every love I could find
still I can't get you out of my mind
it was sunday and wayne was getting married i was still in high school. you were in uniform looking out of place in a dark corner but comfortable to be there with your pale jewish self in a room full of us negroes. it didn't bother you at all. i don't remember how it started, how we found each other, or what we said. you were older. my conversation couldn't have been all that stimulating and it was before i discovered make-up and learned what to do with those thick eyebrows, but we found each other. you were always around after that. we did more than 'date.' you were attached to me. my mother made jokes about it and said if i farted, you would catch it. i never thought it was funny. there was nothing i asked for that you didn't buy me. you gave me the burdines credit card and sat on a bench at dadeland mall while i shopped for hours. when i was happy, you were happy. back then getting me all the 'things' my parents could never afford is what made me happy. i skipped the prom because you took me to a restaurant on miami beach. i wanted a drink with an umbrella in it, i said. interracial couples were not common back then and people would stare. it made me uncomfortable. you never noticed or cared. you made me feel safe, protected. i didn't value that feeling at the time. your father was a lawyer when we met. he later became a judge. you took me across town to north miami beach when your parents were out of town. i marveled at the spacious home, pretended to be the lady of the house and lounged by the pool. i met her once, your mother. she was tense but polite. i drank a glass of water. you said later, she thre the glass away. your brother had already disappointed the family by shaving his head and becoming a harekrishna but bringing a black girl home ranked right up there in her mind as the worse thing a good jewish boy could do. ....Fast Forward...... I went off to college and only looked back when i got into trouble which usually meant I needed money. i expected you to be there and you never disappointed me. i never saw the pain in your eyes. i was blinded by my own needs. even after college boyfriends and a bad marriage you were there for me. you came once again when i called. the apartment was already packed. you weren't expecting that. i could tell. it would be the last time i saw you. i needed help leaving the city. as usual, you gave me the money. ......after the big hurricane, i tried to find you i needed to know that you were alright. i reached your mother. after all the years, she was willing to talk with me because she was desperate to hear from you. she gave me your number and i called. your anger snarled through the phone and grabbed my chest. my apology was no more than a weak stutter, one you didn't want to hear. it was a long time ago you said. when i hung up i knew that if you had been standing in front of me, i would have seen the pain in your eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes.....there are no words for how i feel. not a day goes by that i don't think about you. the memories stab me like knives. but i close my eyes just to see your smiling face. that face comforts my lonely days. there is no torture worse than living with regret. i lost the greatest treasure but how was i to know. i was too young to know what love is....

cause there's no one in the world who’s gonna hold me
no one in the world who’s gonna to love me baby no one in the world who’s gonna love me like you do baby
every time I’m with someone I’m
loving you and I wanna run
I wanna run back to your arms again
aint no one in the world
loves me like you do yeah

are you happy now with your life
well as for me I’m breaking inside
so self assured that I could not see
I had it all when you were with me, baby

no one in the world gonna hold me
no one in the world gonna love me
no one in the world gonna love me like you do baby
every time I’m with someone I’m
loving you and I wanna run
I wanna run back to your arms again
aint no one in the world (no one in the world)
loves me like you do

please take me back
baby can't go on
I’m not happy in my life without you
I’ll do whatever it takes
I’ve got to get you back with me again
I realize I need you here in my life

no one
no body loves me like you
babyyou’ve got the love that I need
ain't nobody round here to love me
aint no one in the world (no one in the world)
in this world
in this world
no one in the world