Thank You Peter Meinke

This Life

12/27/08

Feels like I slipped on a penny
Of counterfeit currency while
Trying to grasp moonbeams
Dreams shattered
Like broken stars glassy spikes of hope
Mingled with hopelessness

I am awash momentarily in a sea of high notes
Then the waves come carrying shark fins
Spitting me out like beach debris
Making blood tracks in the sand

I move on cloaked in the narrow space of twilight
A stranger abandoned
Alone in the space between enlightenment and despair
Close to a flame but never near enough to feel warm
Carrying the weight I cannot leave behind

I’ve seen fire bruise the sky
Tended open wounds with salt tears
Crawled on my knees with the holy grail
Like a hump on my back
Seeking inspiration

I have prayed for darkness
And cursed the light
All the while keeping my gun fully loaded
Somewhere They gather packing their nets
I will wait for the sound of thunder

I will sprout peace on the mountain
They made for me armed only with
The battle shield of my thoughts for comfort
I am not alone
I am not afraid

Bc/12/08

Nappy is all that

Lovin' this video...reminds me of the young girl who thought she was insulting me by calling me nappy headed....SAY WHA!!!!!!! Sez I..."Thank you!" I considered it a compliment. The Barbie loves her nappy headed self......

It's A Merry Christmas Somewhere

i waited but no one said hello in there...i pretend it does not matter but tears stain my face insisting....yes it matters.

i could not find my phone book. there are people i wanted to say hello to. i hoped they would call. no one did and yes it bothered me even though i know better. i have learned, tears are useless. they change nothing. tears don't even make you feel better. so why bother. i became listless and the hours moved too slowly. how would i make it through the entire day? saturday's dinner plans with (k) and (r) had to be scrapped. i have to work. m was at their house last night until 1 am. (K) needed help with last minute christmas decorations. (r) dealt with the stress of visiting family in the house by reclaiming the back yard and firing up the grill. i watched movies. the mind became numb. eventually (m) returned with bar-be-cue and i went to sleep.

this morning began with breakfast in bed; blueberry waffles and maple flavored sausages. (m) came downstairs with the bundles. he said wrapping the gifts was easier this year, "i think i'm finally getting the hang of it." before christmas, i gave him money, as usual to 'surprise' me. he bought a vacuum cleaner for the new tile floors i had put in my bedroom a few months ago. he bought water glasses and juice glasses. he bought a pair of earrings and a necklace. i told him it was perfect. perfect is what he needed to hear. with the money i gave him for himself, he bought computer parts, of course. i gave him a dvd of the anime series he likes so much.

it's dark now. i managed to prepare a meal and sit down with (m). london broil, garlic mashed potatoes green beans with paremsan. the room was decorated beautifully with red poinsettas and white linen. the lights on the tree shone through open windows in the living room. we had candles. i had wine. (m) hoped for no more bad luck and said he only wants to get a job and be able to help me. what could i say? i feel we are cursed with the blessing of each other. if not for him, i would be in bed feeling much worse. if not for him, i would not be here at all. there would be no point. in a few days, it will be over. we will say hello to another year. for a while, the hours will feel new and full of promise but nothing really ever changes.

tomorrow, i will wake up and pay the bills. i will put one foot in front of the other until the sun goes down this time and for the last time.

Merry Something and Happy I'm Here

crack crunch crunch, the sounds my feet make these days. At first I thought it was one thing but the podiatrist said it was another. The "other" being tendonitis brought on by arthritis. Let me just say a word about arthritis for those not intimately acquainted with this malady. It's one of those things we hear so much about that we think of it as commonplace ergo, no big deal. It is a very big deal when every move you make hurts like hell. Last night after work, my feet felt as though they were on fire and for added fun, the bad disc in my shoulder was howling. Ice paks did not relieve the pain. Finally I broke down and took hydrocodone, as prescribed by the doctor and celebrex. I am not a pill popper and wish there was another way. According to him, I will need surgery soon and can plan on a 6 week recuperation period. There goes my summer in Boston. I don' think I will last through the summer. I certainly won't make it through next year, at least not like this. I am also not a whiner. It is aggravating when people make comments about the expression I might have on my face when I am in excruciating pain. Why is it that we expect everyone to go around smiling? It's also quite annoying when someone asks, "How are you?" and you mention being in pain. They change the subject before you get the words out. If you don't care how someone feels why do you ask?

Enough of that....S called this morning and we made fun of one of the newbies on Food Network. She's a sistuh and Lawd Lawd, who in hell told this woman she could cook. After watching the genius of Barefoot Contessa and then seeing this lady toss raw potatoes in a pan with pork chops she had already cooked, then make a salad with raw green beans and red onion....well S and I both came to the conclusion, someone at FN must have liked her big butt, 'cause she ain't no cook. Anywhooooo I was inspired to go to the kitchen where I browned ham chunks, pancetta and garlic in olive oil. I made puff pastry pockets and put the meat mixture in with egg whites and brie. The whole thing cooked up nicely in the oven and brunch was had with Woodchuck Raspberry Cider. YUM!

I boycotted Christmas last year but this time around decided to put up a tree and a wreath. I have champagne but haven't decided what to cook. I'm not however in the mood for shopping. I may "gift" myself a new cd player and finally get Sirius radio. By summer, I should have Peggy Sue make the drapes for the bedroom. Afterall if I'm going to convalesce, I should do it right. I'll need a new bed also.

I played Santa Claus to a foster child who's in the care of a co-worker. It felt good. I guess the good deed was rewarded. My boss told me to prepare a budget for my publication and it will be paid for next year. The staff and I won't have to beg for advertising. YEA! Merry Christmas to all.