Sunday, March 22, 2009

No Light In This Tunnel

Perhaps I was sleeping in when God handed out friend magnets. I have always felt as though I left heaven without one. I hear good friends are hard to come by. I can tell you they are essential to keeping it all together; at least in my life they are. I have had to go it alone. Here and there, the kindness of friends helped me albeit temporarily hang on to my sanity when times got rough.
Life is hard, often unnecessarily so. I am in the abyss at the moment, a place where the sun does not shine and hope as emily Dickinson said, " a thing with feathers," floating out of each. I neither expect or hope for relief.

I made a call, not expecting much but Rose was there. I have know her since college. We bonded years ago around our shared histories of lack and want. Over the years, we have survived against the odds. Rose is a rare affirmation of what a friend should be but she is far away and I needed a cup of human kindness desperately this week. I finally reached her and we talked. She was speechless after listening to my tale of woe. The Daylight Robbers have circled the wagons and camped at my doorstep. When I came in from work Friday night I had a mental and physical breakdown. I could only scream. My chest constricted and I could not breathe. I could not move and I had no control. (M) could not summon help. He did what he could and I hung on for dear life. Police, sirens and mental wards are not the answer. There is no temporary checkout from hell. Rose listened and she did not judge as people often do when listening to the details of someone else's personal crises. As usual, she found something encouraging to say and planted hope by suggesting a plan of action.

My fingers tremble at the thought of another day and having to hold my head up in the midst of persecution and fight the good fight. When is enough enough? When is one human being allowed to live life in peace? Everyone is beginning to look like the enemy to me. I know such thinking is wrong but try as I might, I cannot dispel the feeling.

I am holding on...