Humming in the New Year

Attempting to write again feels much  like an attempt to catch Niagra Falls with a teaspooon. But here goes. Perhaps if I can do this and keep it up on a fairly regular basis, I will explain the past few months. Right now, I'm not inclined to go into all that. No I was not in jail, not in a hospital, pretty much just living my life in a medicated state. Some may see that as a good thing. I'm not so sure.

It has snowed for the 2nd time in two months. I've been inside. I had planned to spend the week-end in bed anyway. Got up on Monday before dawn as usual, was in the middle of drinking the wake me up cup and a notice trailed across the tv screen that almost everything, including the plantation where I work, was closed. It's now been two days. I have yet to go outside. Funny thing about work. I complain about it but I really don't know what else to do with myself. My head seems permanently stopped at a red light. For the past couple of hours I've played  "Gimme the chicken" with the dog and made a drowsy attempt to clear away clutter upstairs. Upstairs feels like a different country. My most oft visited terrain is downstairs where my comforts are. I usually go to work, enter the house through the garage in the evening and exit the same way the next morning, without ever going upstairs. This is my routine for months on end.  Instead of paying mortgage on a 5 bedroom money pit, I should just rent a room. I have passed the stage of feeling entitled to the things my parents could not afford when I was a child. It is impossible to 'scale down' a large house. You can't put the rooms away and even empty rooms demand upkeep. However, my rooms are not empty, I am like all those pitiful souls you see on the HGTV shows where outsiders come in to clean your house because you just can't let go of all those size tens and in my case 12's and 14's you will never ever wear again.

I do spend a great amount of time downstairs. I thought I wanted to be surrounded by wall to wall books and music. I thought I wanted a sturdy platform bed, a white ceiling fan and a big wicker chair, the perfect writer's retreat. None of what I thought would happen has happened. I am not reading. I am not writing. I spend hours flipping through my NetFlix Queue which is loaded with movies about serial killers and documentaries about the fashion world. The books and their serious titles seem to mock me from their shelves.

It has nagged me for months that I am not writing. Then again, I couldn't. All thoughts were somewhere 'out there.' I've even tried closing my eyes real tight, clenching my teeth and fists, to muster the familiar angst that once fueled my creative musings. No luck. All the rage has been replaced with a sort of placid acceptance and hummedy drummedness. Hmmmm. Maybe I'm not creative at all. Maybe I was just depressed. Mebbbeee.

The snow is melting. Somewhere the trolls who work for the gas company are counting my therms. What do I have to look forward to; a huge bill at the end of the month. Hummedy Drummedy.

Daybreak and I'm Drifting Awake

I continually drag my carcas out of bed before daybreak even when I don't have to go to work. What's up with that. Yesterday it was 3:30 am This morning I was up at 6am I turn on the tv to escape the worries that roll through my head like screen credits of a very noir film. The first thing on today's agenda was a call to the woman in payroll who I talked to yesterday and discovered the ex has retired and the checks will stop coming. Today she assured me, she will 'review' the file and get back in touch. She says his retirement check can be garnished. Oh Joy. My ex, even after all these years has no respect for the long arm of the law. When we divorced, he came to court with no attorney. He was slammed dunked. Believe me, he deserved it. My years with him resembled a scene from that movie Farrah made about domestic abuse; The Burning Bed. That was my life and it took years to recover.  http://www.ndvh.org/  Sometimes I wonder if I ever will trust anyone again. Anywhoo....I sit and wait Today I must get the hair done. I'd rather have root canal than fool with hair. I'll be tapping the rainy day fund for the time being....

Dire Straits And Then Some

It's been a while and as much as things change they remain the same in ways I'd rather have a little change if ya know what I mean. How many times have I said in this blog, I just need a break. I know no one reads this and when the rain comes, with it's fiery darts and all that other apocalyptic stuff that hits my life, I just want to crawl into a hole and be done with it already. What the heck do all those people in toothpaste commercials smile about anyway! Do they live on the same planet I live on? Guess not....What has the Barbie on the down side of morose and wringing the towel????? Glad you asked and I don't mind tellin' ya.

I paid off my car in February. I thought the day would never come (Of course I had a $650 repair bill not soon after the title arrived. Right now it sounds like a can of bolts). A few other pretty good things happened and for a nano second there, I felt almost like I had joined a tribe of happy people who audition for toothpaste commercials. I should know better. For every rainbow I have ever received, has been followed by a shit storm. I won't bore with every itty bitty that has kept me silent 'til now.

I have been in a struggle with the Daylight Robbers who provide me with the paycheck I call blood money for some time now. Things escalated to crazy proportions when all I ever ever wanted, I swear was for them to just do the right thing. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That would have been too easy and like Tina Turner said, the Barbie's life is nevah, evah EEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! So papers were zipped to the EEOC about my rights being violated and all. I miraculously found someone to take the case pro bono and settled in thinking naively as I always do that 'de good Lawd protects them that strives to do the right thing. Yeah.....Sure if you survive the fight and don't go crazy or kill yourself.

I'm in a holding pattern right now; working but they've threatened to fire me if I go through with the lawsuit. PAUSE. PRAY TO JESUS. Stay UP NIGHTS WITH VISIONS OF HOMELESSNESS AND WORSE; NO HEALTH INSURANCE dancing in my brain. And today just for fun, as I wait on a check from the ex who lives in another state, I find he has taken an early retirement (at least he can afford to). Payroll won't give me a forwarding address even after I read the clause in the court order that says it's a crime if they don't. QUICK. PHONE THE LAWYER. HOPE SHE REMEMBERS MY NAME.

And here I sit wondering why I seem to be on the receiving end of hell's bommerang. I don't have credit card debt. I have a 300$ AC bill. I'll be giving up cool air, cable and AT&T. Usually, I can make myself feel better by remembering how my ancestors got over but right now I just feel raw and very very blue.....

Here Comes the Sun

So far 2010 is shaping up to be a lot kinder and gentler than 2009.

1. Applied for the institute at Harvard....got a recommendation from the Thought Police....That one came as a surprise.
2. M's disability has been approved after trying since 1995.
3. Champ had a great annual check up even after neglecting his heart meds for months.
4. Found a great lawyer
5. Have the possibility of realizig my dream to start writing camp
6. Put a smile on B's face after the youngling cried on my shoulder about her miserable life. We spent Sat. together. I sprang for a manicure, a bag of toiletries/make-up and took her on a colllege visit. No more tears.
7. On my third day of being pain free.
8. Paid off the car....YAY!!!!
9. Fluffy will no longer be around to micromanage and totrture the entire staff. He has been removed by the Thought Police Overseers as head Butt in Charge and will be shuffled off to the Valley of Dry Bones which is where all TP go when they eff up. There was weeping anad wailing and gnashing of teeth by his Flying Monkeys. The rest of us thanked the Gods that be and the angels too. Anything would be better is what I'm thinkin'. (D) thinks that's why my back pain has subsided. Hmmmmmmm.

Cheap Thrills

Hmmmm where do I start. Lately BLOG has become a confessional, interesting. I never thought of it as that. Still I write what comes to mind and maybe there's just too much on my mind these days and it all needs somewhere to land....

LAST WEEK
I don't like it when people come to me with their problems, mostly because it makes me feel terrible if there is nothing I can do for them. I don't count advice as being worth very much, even if I know I'm right. I know for the most part people don't follow through when you give advice. A young lady talked to me about being depressed. She has been abused by her father as well and right now the family is struggling financially, (who isn't). I could make a DFACS referral but I've done that before and it does no good. In the environment where I work, social problems are epidemic and there is really no place to go if you're poor and in trouble.
I hate it that so many lives are considered disposable. I tried not to cry when she talked to me.
___________________________________________________________

YESTERDAY
There is only one thing that would get me out of bed at 4 a.m. and on the road by 5 a.m. and that's the Juniour League Attic Sale. I got hooked ten years ago and these days, I don't go because I need anything but being first in line and feeling the anticipation everybody brings to the event, gives me a shot of adrenaline. Even my wretched back pain could not keep me away and sure enough I was first in line. I was ecstatic with my haul. Here's the tally:
corkscrew $1
Wel Bilt portable oven $10 (good-bye electric fry pan)I paid the lawyer with the money I had for a stove.
Smoothie Blender $1
4ft tall Christmas topiaries (4) $5
Kenmore Vacuum cleaner $12
Assorted baskets (large) $1-3
CD's Counting Crows, Jewel, Metropolitan Opera,etc. $2
Wicker bar stool $8
A Whole Lotta Fun zilch, zero, nada! Priceless
I am not a garage sale fan but I can't pass up the JL bargains. Most of it is like new and some of it is new - donated by local businesses.

Afterwards, I went home, crawled into leopard print flannel pj's and watched movies for the rest of the day. I felt very self indulgent. It felt very very good.

Here Comes the Pain Again

The week-end has become the only interjection in my otherwise unpunctuated life and I never know if I will feel well enough to do anything. This week-end was difficult to persevere through the back pain. Once again, it hit me with full force and I had to take one of those dreadful narcotics to leave the house. After a couple of hours, the pain was back and it was difficult to even get out of the car. I ran a few errands and came home. All of this is boring stuff and I'd much rather have something else to write about. I did manage to get the NEH application off in time. I paid $18 for overnight delivery. The clerk assured me it would get to Cambridge by Tuesday, probably Monday. Anywhoooo, I got it done. I even got the Thought Police to write me a recommendation. I was so tempted to open the envelope but I didn't. One of the state consultants told me I should look at the Fulbright fellowships and I checked out their website. Well now, it seems they ask for everything except a pint of blood. I have no problem with the qualifications but I wonder how I would exist in a foreign country and pay the mortgage back home. Having someone rent the house while I'm gone is out of the question. It would be a great experience but it doesn't seem doable.

I took the day off to go to the doctor, all the good that will do. I'm also seeing (D). I took her advice and bought vitamin D. I've been taking it with the giant fish oil capsules and the glucosomine when I can remember to mix it up. I detest the whole business. Waking up this morning was painful. I got out of bed because laying there only seemed to make the pain worse. I desperately want to wake up in my old body again.

The building inspector the lawyer called on will also be here this morning. We are slowly inching toward court.

(M) and I celebrated last week. It seems miracles do happen. I first applied for his disability benefits in 1995 and the Social Security drones sent us a letter saying, yes he's disabled but denied benefits based on my income. He was a minor at the time. We have filed 3 times since then. Each time he was denied based on their determination that he is not disabled. He sent an appeal notice after the last denial (over 6 months ago). We received a letter telling him to come into the Social Security office which he did. He was told they had made a mistake in denying his benefits and that he is eligible. This time, they gave him paperwork and told him the benefits would begin in 4-6 months, including $4,000 in penalty money thay are paying him for exceeding their notification deadline each time he was turned down. When the caseworker called me at work, I was in shock. Well, hold on pardner.....They owe him a smidge more than that. We will be getting an attorney to file for the back benefits which by my calculations amount to hundreds of thousands of greenbacks. Hmmmmmmmm....interesting developments and I will keep Blogger informed of the outcome.

Here Comes The Sun

Yesterday, M and I bought produce from the Mexican vendors at the flea market. I get eggplant and red peppers for $.75. Going there also reminds me of home. I am most comfortable living withion a melting pot of cultures. I also stopped at a booth run by two guys. I had been there before but never made the connection until yesterday. Years ago, right after I moved here,my life imploded. I had to make a decision to either return to Miami or make a radical career change. I chose the latter. But while things were still quite desperate, two guys who owned an antique shop bought most of my mother's depression glass. After she passed away, it was all the "inheritance" so to speak, that I had. It was very difficult to part with it. But I knew she would want me to do it if it meant M and I would be able to survive a very rough time. The guys made it easier. They were very compassionate and I appreciated the way they handled the transaction. They are now selling jewelry at the fla market after losing everything in the antique business. One of them said they are doing ok. Their stall is always packed and the bargains are good. Most of the jewelry comes from QVC or some of the high end department stores. There is also stuff you'd find at Kohls and Wal-Mart for the teens.We hugged and had a reunion. One of them remembered that I had said this place is "kicking my ass" at the time. They met years ago when both were in the military. Since they were together years ago when I met them, it means they have been partners over 20 years.

The sun was out and I was feeling pretty good. On Friday, I met with D and she thinks I have a vitamin D deficiency. I bought the vitamins and took the fish oil yesterday and today. I see the doctor on the 26th and will request blood work. It certainly can't hurt. The test for gall stones came back negative. I knew it would but I still can't explain why I'm tired and dizzy all the time and the frequent digestive troubles. Last week at work was brutal. I am glad it's over and we are inching toward two more furlogh days. I intend to spend mine sending work out (finally). Next week I will be getting the application in the mail for the NEH Institute at Harvard. Wish me luck.

The sun is out again today. M is at church. I have been cooking. I made stew for M and ravioli and Italian sausage for me. Right now the turnip greens with red peppers and sundried tomato is simmering. I bought a baguette to eat with that.

The house is peaceful. I wish Sundays were longer.