In Memorium

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Newly released documents suggest that President Bush's relationship with embattled former Enron Chairman Kenneth Lay was once chummy and that Lay often asked him to act on Enron's behalf when Bush was governor of Texas.
Some two dozen letters written by Lay to then-Gov. Bush were among the 350 pages of Bush documents released Friday by Texas archivists in response to requests by news organizations and the nonprofit government watchdog group Public Citizen.

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It's just too tempting not to think that Ken Lay decided to just say no to prison for the next 500 years and chose to go out on his own terms. I never ever thought he would spend one day behind bars. I suppose if I was one of the ones who lost everything b/c of Enron's greed, I'd think differently but for many reasons, I feel really sad about the whole mess.

What and who do we have to believe in or trust anymore anyway? Greed is like a flesh eating disease and it has consumed us all in the land of the free and home of the brave. Yesterday (Independence Day) when an old man was interviewed on the 6 o'clock news, I winced when he said we are in Iraq fighting for our freedom. I mean has he been living under a rock. Does anybody really believe that's what we're doing in Iraq and all the other pits of hell around the globe where we've gone and we're not wanted?

Politicians count on the stupidity and nostalgic gullibility of everyday Amerikans who still want to believe that Yankee Doodle fantasy while Freedom and her batterered sister Justice has been outsourced and privatized for fifty pieces of silver. Ken Lay knew what he was doing. He played the game and lost. You see, he forgot the cardinal rule; nobody but nobody can steal more from the people than the guv'ment. In a way he was betrayed by his own. His accusers and those who judged him are as guilty and rotten as Enron ever was. Rest well my liege but if not in heaven and hell is your eternal reward, fear not, you'll have lots of company real soon.

The Enemy

"Fear holds us and binds us and keeps us from growing. It kills a small piece of us each day. It holds us to what we know and keeps us from what's possible, and it is our worst enemy. Fear doesn't announce itself; it's disguised, and it's subtle. It's choosing the safe course; most of us feel we have rational reasons to avoid taking risks. The brave man is not the one without fear but the one who does what he must despite being afraid."by: The King's Buccaneer, R. E Feist.
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But where does this enemy come from? Are we born with it? I think not. I mean have you ever watched a baby? They know nothing and yet are willing to try anything. Fear does not hold them back. Maybe that's why The Book says we should be like little children huh? I dunno. I do know I'm tired of living my life afraid. I was not always this way. Why would I be given dreams if I was not meant to dream? Why was I given a voice if I was not meant to use it? Why would I have these words if I was not meant to share them? Why would I be if I was not meant to be? I am not content to survive. Surviving isn't living.

A Dream No Longer Deferred

I've been thinking lots about what it means to let go. I fell in love with Boston and rather reluctantly gave in to the overwhelming urge to move there. This all came as a complete surprise to me. I AM a Taurus. The bull digs in its heels and for better or worse, stays put. This has been the defining characteristic of my life. Most of the time, I've hung on relentlessly to situations that were just wrong for me. I had to learn and grow the hard way. It was not always a pretty sight. But I survived. I have come to learn that surviving isn't always living. When Boston 'woke me up,' my first reaction was to try and go back to sleep; ignore the feeling within that it is indeed time for a change. But this change would be one that I would have to orchestrate. In other words, I'd have to bring to bear all those lessons and wisdom I'd come by the hard way. I've gone from running away from the tug of Boston and the changes a move will bring, to gradual acceptance. With the acceptance has come some unexpected insight into just who I am. I am first and foremost a woman of strong faith. That's one of the things I came by the hard way. I have also learned what it takes to make me happy ( I'm still compiling that list). Happiness for me will not come in the form of "Mr. Wonderful," as wonderful as that might be. It will not come in the form of a big houseload of stuff that I hardly ever get to enjoy because I work so much and when I'm not working I'm too tired to even notice my surroundings. Don't get me wrong, i love this big house and all it represents. i worked hard to get it and maintain it. It was once my dream. I grew up in Miami's inner city in four rooms. My idea of being rich was having stairs and central air conditioning. These are the dreams of a child. The adult in me knows that stairs are a pain in the azzzzzzzz and while central air is nice. I prefer an ocean breeze and the hum of a ceiling fan. In letting go of this house I'm letting go of that little girl too; the one who said yes to this place because a man was at my side (at the time) and it was what he wanted. I didn't care. As long as he was there, I thought I'd live happily ever after. Well, he's gone and with him went the dream I had of happy ever after. A funny thing happens when people abandon you. you're left alone with yourself. i've been alone with me for quite some time. I can't say I like it one dammedy dam bit. I am a waste of a might fine woman. But I have learned a few things about me. And I wouldn't trade that insight for anything. So while I've still got breath, I'm going to put myself to the test. Let go and Let myself see what the end's gonna be. Maybe It's just the beginning of a journey on a road toward a dream too long deferred.