Ain't That Peculiar

I am not nor have I ever been mistaken for cool....Oh I must immediately take that back. I just remembered being dragged to a run down squat of a church buried in Georgia muck on the wrong side of town because my friend Linda wanted to go hear 'da man of Gawd; according to Linda, a real sho nuff modern day Profit (ummm I meant Prophet). If you still call your hair "moisturizer" hair grease, then you know the kind of place I mean. The church was about as big as my living room. I am skeptical by nature and probably had a wicked sneer on my face that would shame the Grinch. But mostly, I was nervous. Anybody ever play The Dozens? It's like having someone sniff your dirty drawers in front of people you're trying to impress. You are exposed in every sense of the word. That's how I felt walking into that church. In the back of my mind, I thought, "What if this guy says something about me..." Ok ya'll. That's my Introduction. I have been tagged for a meme by
http://profacero.wordpress.com. My Introduction leads me to the most shameful unknown of all about me 1) When I'm nervous, I can freeze a room with coolness. The way I walked into that church reminds me of a Don L. Lee Poem.. I was refrigerator Cool! But the right Rev saw through it all. At the very end of his schtick, he called me up and called me out. He was kind enough to whisper the message he had for me and he was dead on the money. Funny how some people can make mincemeat out of others' complexities...ay 'Zero! So the more nervous I get, the cooler I become. I'd rather die than let anyone see me sweat. Is that peculiar? 2) I've never been good at introspection. I kind of take life as it comes and in the process make needless mistakes. But I'm learning. I remember the first time I ever had a genuine genuflect. I was in the recording studio trying to get it right; or at least make the notes sound the way the producer wanted them to (and I hadn't a clue). Natural, raw talent does not reproduce on cue and the producer was getting razzled. All night long he'd crooned, "Barbie baby," until in a fit of desperation, he snarled thru the headphones, "You are consistently inconsistent." I have never forgotten that statement. I think of it often. It defines my character. Try as I might, I cannot duplicate or be like anyone...even myself. Ain't that peculiar? 3) Gee coming up with six may be hard. I just thought of another song that defines me sort of. It's by Garbage..."I'm Only Happy When It Rains." It's not altogether true but I do think sunshine is overrated. I love the beach when it's 50 degrees and rainy. I used to dream of living in Moscow where I imagined myself walking the streets in a long black flowing rain coat asking strangers if they could help me find Dostoevsky?
4) This one is really easy. I admit to having a really bad temper. I try really hard to keep it in check by reminding myself of the numerous times, really dumb ass people have caused me to lose something I really treasured by pushing my buttons. 5) I am obsessive... It has always been hard for me to sleep and lately I spend too much time thinking about death and how much time I don't have left. It depresses me to see the sun go down and to know I cannot get this day back no matter what I do......and I have nothing to show for the time I was given. 6) And finally another song.....Shattered.....The hopes and dreams I held on to for most of my life are gone. I just realized that the other day and tried hard not to let the Sad take over. I have to try real hard to find some new dreams that's all. Y'all know what happens to a 'dream deferred' and I ain't no dam raisin....