Saturday, March 14, 2009

Here Comes the Sun

The world is grey again and colder. The weather is increasingly unpredictable. I would be happier if the temperature would be a little more constant; hot or cold, it wouldn't matter as long as it was one or the other. I have neglected the writing again. I am drained empty by the circumstances of my life and when things get like this, the sound of my own voice becomes tedious. I am working all the time. Deep inside, I believe I am punishing myself but for what, I am not quite sure. I go from misery one to misery two and in between I sleep, too exhausted to do anything else. I excuse it all by reminding myself, there is nothing to do here anyway. Every now and then I blink real hard and imagine what this place looks like to a stranger. It's a tired old southern town, stuck in neutral. When it moves at all, it moves in reverse. I'm angry because no one forced me to move here. I did it to myself. I have never forgiven myself for the 'idiot move.' At the time it seemed right. I consciously thought my life was over after the divorce, after my mother died, after my life imploded. Then I moved here and went to sleep for ten years. I am awake now but somehow unable despite my efforts to effect change; to move on and pick up my life again.

The redundancy of this angst bores me and I feel I have nothing to say. More and more, I feel like a drone, all sharp edges are being ground to dullness. The mind turns inward upon itself in anger at its own impotency.

The Daylight Robbers and I have gone another round. This one involved the Legal Eagles and was quite serious. I only say that because had the DR's won, I would most likely have been unemployed. Funny, when you have been victimized for so long, you begin to recognize the enemy even in the dark and no matter what shape he takes, he's easy to recognize in my case, because his weapon of choice never changes.

How do you fight a lie? With the Truth of course. And no matter how puny and small your defense may sound, the Truth will set you free. I've just never had much stomach for battle. When I'm under pressure, I throw up and get diarreah. I had the runs for days and finally resorted to Lortab around the clock. I still couldn't eat though. My reaction to conflict has nothing to do with my ability to win. The fight always strikes me as beneath me and somewhat ridiculous. There are so many other things in life worthy of our attention than the pettiness we wallow in. I guess all that matters is that in the end, I won and maybe got a nano particle of respect in the process.

I may be spending most of the summer in bed. I am not looking forward to the prospect of not being able to visit Boston this summer and I don't know how I will manage day to day activities. (M) will have to take care of me completely. Now there's irony for you. The doctor says I need surgery. The toes have no cartilege as a result of arthritis which has also given me a bad case of tendonitis. Walking is difficult and most days, I just want to die because the pain is so bad. The only shoes I can tolerate on my feet are hot pink Crocs. I really need to get another color! This morning I was thinking about all I will need to do to prepare; get a fridge for downstairs and a hookup for the computer. These are life's necessities.
With the two jobs, I have lots of insurance, personal days, disability and sick days.
I do worry, that with my luck, the surgery may do more harm than good. I imagine being permanently confined to one of those scooter things. Oh my GAWD! I can't help myself.

Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow...Stay tuned......