Monday, March 03, 2008

Extreme Heavyweight

It is impossible for me to put in words how stifled I feel. I had a dream last night. I returned to J and as usual we did not communicate. So I left. And just as usual, I went back one more time, thinking just maybe. But ended up leaving. The house was not a house but an estate surrounded by rolling hills. I walked through French doors and was attacked from behind by two massive pit bulls. I tried to scream but no sound came out. There was no one around. The only thing I could think to do was walk; put one foot in front of the other and walk I did. One of the dogs had sank his teeth into the back of my head. The other had his teeth in my back and both hung on as I walked. I remember thinking, it was probably just as well that I could not scream and if I stopped or stumbled, the dogs would eat me alive. And so I walked.
That dream is my life. The death grip is real and I refuse to give up. I can't keep walking forever. The dogs are at my heels. Today, there was another senseless meeting after work. The daylight robbers are at it again and they appear to be winning. I looked around at a room full of pasted on smiles and half life carcasses of co-workers and wondered if I looked anything like them. They fed us chips and sodas as though snacks were a just reward for having us go through mind numbing exercises designed to make us better at what we do. On one of the papers, I wrote I refuse to commit. The facilitator pursed her lips in a sneer of disapproval in my direction. I cried on the way home.
I can't remember when I've had a meaningful conversation with another human soul.