Thursday, July 09, 2009

To Pill or Not to Pill

Anyone reading this blog (which I hvae serious doubts about) knows that the Barbie has enough issues in her life to fill a planet sized crater That was a good analogy. I don't want to underestimate.
Let's review:
* twice divorced with one ex who would gladly hire a hitman if he could afford it to worm his way out of court ordered lifetime support payments...a second ex presumed dead or in jail (which is where he belongs...more on that at a later date)
* a job where I eat the bitter fruit of racism present we are dueling with lawyers...lose and there goes the retirement $$$$
* a grown son with a debilitating mental disability who I must take care of
* lousy credit...not that I care to be shackled by credit cards anyway
* absolutely no family....except for all of my nameless, faceless cyber pals who exist only in my imagination
* a gigantic monkey on my back which keeps telling me what a wasteland my life has become

I don't want to get trivial, so I'll omit the minor stuff. Besides you can read about it all in this blog. Considering all of the above, 'tis no wonder I am seeking help to soothe my shattered nerves. I think "talk therapy" is highly overrated but it's all I've got right now. Basically I must pay someone to listen to me as I regurgitate my problems. Once the vomitus problemus is all on the table, the theory is a solution will slither from the ooze like majick. Until that momemtous occurance materializes, (D) has suggested Meds. "Oh no. Not pills," sez I. (D) looks at me as though I am a fool. Isn't the whole western hemisphere on pharmaceuticals? Why shouldn't I be any different. Off I go after raising my right hand and making a promise to see my primary physician. Yeah, she really made me raise the right hand. I feel blind-sided. I think (D) had an unfair advantage. She knows, the Barbie always tries to do the right thing. And according to (D), my 'symptoms' call for pills.

Hmmmmm....I never even told her, that the most relief I get from my overloaded plate of 'issues,' is an ongoing fantasy of eliminating the Daylight Robbers, AKA the Agents of Mental Angst.

Later I'm blubbering to my doc who has the bedside manner of an eel and in the 19 or so years I've known him has never looked me in the eye. Desperate? Yes, I must be. Dr. Gary looks uncomfortable but a touch concerned and quickly mumbles something about 'hanging in there' and 'not giving up.' Hmmmm, thinks I, He went to medical school for this. He sends me on my way with a script for Prozac. I've joined the nation. Dr. Gary has told me to look on the bright side. I can get happiness in a bottle for the low low price of $4 at the Wal-mart prescription counter.

After checking out the side effects for Prozac online, I twice reach for the bottle of pills on the nightstand and put them back. (M) rubs my head instead and I drift off to sleep. Tomorrow is today and I'll keep the demons and the pills at bay as long as I can.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Shattered Peace

A while back I wrote a humorous piece on the Cocker. Well I ain't laughin' now! The dawg and all the forces of hell have gathered this morning to disturb my peace. I tell you, it's as if he knew that all I wanted this morning was a corner of time dedicated to tapping out a few words and then get on with my day.
Right now the dawg is flinging himself at a closed bedroom door. I'm in the next room. Along with the thud of his whole self hitting the door, (I can only hope, he'll land against it so hard, he will knock himself unconscious)he is barking like a rabid idiot. I have totally forgotten what I ever saw in that mutt - what posessed me to ever bring him home from the pound. Cocker Spaniels are the devil's emmisarries on earth. There will be no writing this morning. I can barely string two thoughts together, so consumed am I at this moment with annoyance.

Tim called this morning. He and his family just returned from Ohio where the weather, he says was beautiful. They are going out to pick blueberries. I'll join them later this evening for a home group meeting. He says, we'll be going to a public housing development to do an Outreach. It's been a long time since I did that. Basically, you go out and tell people you're there because, "Jesus loves you. "Sometimes we pass out chewing gum or chocolate kisses. Mostly, the people we encounter don't know what to think. They're usually polite and smile uncomfortably. Sometimes someone will ask us to pray with them. The whole thing gives me a sort of cleansed feeling afterward. It's good to forget about yourself and your own problems for a while. We'll meet at the Vineyard, sing a few songs and head out.

The dawg has stopped barking. (M) has escaped to the yard and the lawnmower. I guess I'll go the park and feed the ducks.