Sunday, June 11, 2006

Ramble On

Sometimes my life feels like a very slow train that makes stops in all the dead end places no one would want to visit. The Swede reminded me that compared to some, even I would be considered blessed. Well I KNOW that. Suffering is a relative concept. At Vineyard this morning, Dan talked about recently being diagnosed with Hodgekins. Dan must be 30ish and works in a health food store. Oh the irony! He's a nice guy and doesn't deserve this bitter cup of gall. But Dan is dealing with it. (R) talked about not isolating yourself and how we all need each other. This is true says I but what happens when you reach out and there's never anyone there? Lately my motto has been, 'Nobody's going to save you.' I must save myself if I'm going to make it. So I've rededicated /refocused my efforts to making things right , i.e., putting my life on track. It's kinda hard b/c there's no one there at the end of the day for that needed 'attagirl'. We all need to hear that. So every now and then I get down in the mud. Then along comes Dan and there are others like him who remind me that yeah, life sucks but it could be worse and you just keep grooving on.
I have mentally moved on from this place, even though physically I am still here. The last time I felt like this, I was in the process of leaving Miami. Before you leave a place, I think you first cut the ties (in your mind) that bind. I will have no regrets. This place will always be the shelter I sought when I was convinced there was no reason to live anymore. At the time, I resigned myself to being a paid up member of the Walking Dead Club; bruised and defeated by life. My dreams were in shreds. Now instead of chasing dreams, I'm going after me. I want to live the life I've always imagined in my head. I owe myself that much before I take that last train ride.