It's A Merry Christmas Somewhere

i waited but no one said hello in there...i pretend it does not matter but tears stain my face insisting....yes it matters.

i could not find my phone book. there are people i wanted to say hello to. i hoped they would call. no one did and yes it bothered me even though i know better. i have learned, tears are useless. they change nothing. tears don't even make you feel better. so why bother. i became listless and the hours moved too slowly. how would i make it through the entire day? saturday's dinner plans with (k) and (r) had to be scrapped. i have to work. m was at their house last night until 1 am. (K) needed help with last minute christmas decorations. (r) dealt with the stress of visiting family in the house by reclaiming the back yard and firing up the grill. i watched movies. the mind became numb. eventually (m) returned with bar-be-cue and i went to sleep.

this morning began with breakfast in bed; blueberry waffles and maple flavored sausages. (m) came downstairs with the bundles. he said wrapping the gifts was easier this year, "i think i'm finally getting the hang of it." before christmas, i gave him money, as usual to 'surprise' me. he bought a vacuum cleaner for the new tile floors i had put in my bedroom a few months ago. he bought water glasses and juice glasses. he bought a pair of earrings and a necklace. i told him it was perfect. perfect is what he needed to hear. with the money i gave him for himself, he bought computer parts, of course. i gave him a dvd of the anime series he likes so much.

it's dark now. i managed to prepare a meal and sit down with (m). london broil, garlic mashed potatoes green beans with paremsan. the room was decorated beautifully with red poinsettas and white linen. the lights on the tree shone through open windows in the living room. we had candles. i had wine. (m) hoped for no more bad luck and said he only wants to get a job and be able to help me. what could i say? i feel we are cursed with the blessing of each other. if not for him, i would be in bed feeling much worse. if not for him, i would not be here at all. there would be no point. in a few days, it will be over. we will say hello to another year. for a while, the hours will feel new and full of promise but nothing really ever changes.

tomorrow, i will wake up and pay the bills. i will put one foot in front of the other until the sun goes down this time and for the last time.