Monday, July 03, 2006

A Dream No Longer Deferred

I've been thinking lots about what it means to let go. I fell in love with Boston and rather reluctantly gave in to the overwhelming urge to move there. This all came as a complete surprise to me. I AM a Taurus. The bull digs in its heels and for better or worse, stays put. This has been the defining characteristic of my life. Most of the time, I've hung on relentlessly to situations that were just wrong for me. I had to learn and grow the hard way. It was not always a pretty sight. But I survived. I have come to learn that surviving isn't always living. When Boston 'woke me up,' my first reaction was to try and go back to sleep; ignore the feeling within that it is indeed time for a change. But this change would be one that I would have to orchestrate. In other words, I'd have to bring to bear all those lessons and wisdom I'd come by the hard way. I've gone from running away from the tug of Boston and the changes a move will bring, to gradual acceptance. With the acceptance has come some unexpected insight into just who I am. I am first and foremost a woman of strong faith. That's one of the things I came by the hard way. I have also learned what it takes to make me happy ( I'm still compiling that list). Happiness for me will not come in the form of "Mr. Wonderful," as wonderful as that might be. It will not come in the form of a big houseload of stuff that I hardly ever get to enjoy because I work so much and when I'm not working I'm too tired to even notice my surroundings. Don't get me wrong, i love this big house and all it represents. i worked hard to get it and maintain it. It was once my dream. I grew up in Miami's inner city in four rooms. My idea of being rich was having stairs and central air conditioning. These are the dreams of a child. The adult in me knows that stairs are a pain in the azzzzzzzz and while central air is nice. I prefer an ocean breeze and the hum of a ceiling fan. In letting go of this house I'm letting go of that little girl too; the one who said yes to this place because a man was at my side (at the time) and it was what he wanted. I didn't care. As long as he was there, I thought I'd live happily ever after. Well, he's gone and with him went the dream I had of happy ever after. A funny thing happens when people abandon you. you're left alone with yourself. i've been alone with me for quite some time. I can't say I like it one dammedy dam bit. I am a waste of a might fine woman. But I have learned a few things about me. And I wouldn't trade that insight for anything. So while I've still got breath, I'm going to put myself to the test. Let go and Let myself see what the end's gonna be. Maybe It's just the beginning of a journey on a road toward a dream too long deferred.

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