Sunday, October 05, 2008

Lessons I've Learned

Pardon me but I see meaning in almost everything. The universe does not distribute randomness; senseless, asinine, mindbending soul snatching shite but no randomness. That said WE'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE OFFFF!!!!! YA'LL!

I've been away for awhile, sidetracked by the necessaries of life, keeping mind and body together, swimming in the cesspool of it all, trying to tread with my head intact. In other words I've been working like a Mexican with folks to feed in two countries. Funny thing about working two jobs, it's hard to let go, even when the body screams for respite, the wallet says give me more, give me more, give me more, more, more. It's nice to have a little capital and a second insurance card. Say Yay! Benefits on two jobs in an economy when so many people have no insurance makes me feel like an heiress. But the Barbie works hard for the money. So hard for it honey. But yes, there are perks. Fer instance, I have never in my whole life been anle to save $5,000 and save it I did. Even after this summer's vacation to Boston, I had me a 'lil cushion. Say YAY two times!

What's a girl to do with that kind of money but satisfy the urge to redecorate. Still a little grossed out by the fact that I was robbed this summer and still feeling violated, I decided to freshen the place up. I'd alreay had to replace the front door. It had been kicked in. The new one had glass side panels. So nice says I and I wanted more of the same.

I believe every woman needs a good mechanic, a nasty lawyer and a handyman who'll show up on time like the Easter Bunny, ready, willing and able. I know such a man. I would bear his bastard children if he asked me as long as he kept his drill close by, (excuse me for that cheap play on words. I couldn't help myself.)

Charles got right to work. We decided the Barbie nest needed 420 sq ft of ceramic tile, new paint, a ceiling fan, hardwood stairs and a new walk-in closet. We topped off the list by having the tv mounted on the walls. Say YAY three times!!!!!

Charles is an expert craftsman AND he's quick. The whole "production," as he called it, was done in two days. He called in reinforcements and voila! New digs! I was mighty happy for a hot second. On the evening of the unveling when I'd finally be able to take a shower in my own bathroom and sleep in my own bed, drifting off to slumberland sniffing seafoam green paint, I walked in to the sound of rushing water coming from my very own bathroom. "What's that noise?" says I to (M). "Dunno" was his response. I knew without even looking, that the universe had sent me another kick in the ass as it so often does. Turds were flowing into the bath tub like the river Jordan and I hadn'e even flushed the toilet.

This has been a constant in my life. I am never fed a blessing without a bitter herb to follow. Oh the crooked irony of it all. SHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIT! says I. However, this time I diverted from the usual 'sky is falling, woe is me, whatever am I gonna do,' wail of the disposessed, and instead told (M), quite calmly to make me a margarita. I drank said elixer of the damned and went to sleep. Afterall I had paid for the right to have a 'lil peace in my very own sanctuary.

I HATE SPENDING MONEY! The next day, before leaving for work, I told (M) to call the plumber, who I swear has me on speed dial. DAM, DAM, DAMMIDY, DAM. The plumber cast a a pale glare at me when I drove in from work that afternoon. Charles was there also, to collect the final payment on what I owed him. All I could think about was how hard I had workd for what was left in my savings account and how it was all about to disappear. The doody in the tub had risen to a dangerous level and then as if by some miracle stopped short of overflowing to the floor. If I was lucky, it would drain out and digging up the yard with a backhoe could be avoided.
I chose not to worry. The doody would have to go! The plumbers worked all day the next day, first pulling the toilet out of the floor, sending a snake with razors on the end through the hole where all the doody flows, and looking outside for the pipes. It was a no go. Still I chose not to worry. They'd have to find those pipes and I didn't have enough money left to cover what a backhoe would cost. The bank had turned me down for a loan. I still don't understand how I can have assets to cover a loan and still be turned down but that's another story.

On the third day, Gary the owner of the plumbing company sent in reinforcements. Mike has no teeth but he's a dam good plumber. He prowled my yard like an alley cat looking for those pipes. EUREKA! He found them and saved the day. We've had one more scare since then; a little stoppage and a camera was put into the line. No major problem, YET was the verdict. But I know my track record and I never ever breathe easy. I'm in a holding pattern waiting for the next turd to fall or flow or whatever. There will be more. But I will choose to have faith, not panic and next time give me a Cosmopolitan.

So, what have I learned? (1) Have faith (2) Work like a Mexican and Save, Save, Save (3) Keep the plumber on speed dial (4) Learn how to dispose of doody in a plastic bag (5) Never ever run out of margaritas (6) When shite happens and it will, sleep on it. There's always tomorrow.
Bye Y'all

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