Thursday, December 27, 2007

realizing nothing is everything

you are born
you live
you die
your concept of self only exists in the interim between birth
and death
thus, self is not eternal
if self is temporary
why do you place so much emphasis upon catering to its needs?
let go of the temporariness and meet Nirvana
the quote comes from a book on zen reflections and pretty much sums up how i've been feeling. i know i am not depressed. i am well acquainted with the night and this is different.

i am in a place beyond depression; that place where everything is nothing. i have tried but i do not see sincerity in anything. this pale drama we call life is a facade. why else would it be so unsatisfying? to make up for the emptiness, we indulge the senses; by overeating, drinking, fucking and taking too many drugs.

i was born. i have existed and for a while, i called it living but gradually as every dream materialized and turned to ashes, it all began to seem like some perverse game that we are not going to win. that to me, makes life the cruelest hoax. perhaps i have lost my concept of self. maybe that is not supposed to happen because we are supposed to stay on the merry-go-round until the very end, reaching for the brass ring which we will never possess. and in that moment between death and life, we finally realize it was all for nothing, that we indeed are nothing. we are hopes and dreams which we spend a lifetime pursuing but can never truly possess.

i was born. as a small child i woke up in the middle of the night quite often and looked into the darkness. i felt something was terribly wrong and that somewhere a mistake had been made. i did not feel like i belonged here. i was certain of it. all my life i did what i was supposed to do but it never felt right and nothing i did ever lasted. most of my dreams never materialized and in some way each rejection (and there have been many), each disappointment confirms my belief that my existence is a mistake. i am the alien, the outcast, the dispossessed. i am still searching the darkness wondering why am i here.


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