Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Sweet Dream....Waking Nightmare

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you---Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.But in your dreams, whatever they be,Dream a little dream of me.

For a very very long time, I've been telling people, I don't dream and I really don't. I'd always say I;m too grounded in reality. Well the truth is, I just gave up hope that anything could be different. I developed a hard shell of pessimism about my life; about the world and the people in it. But then I changed ever so slightly and allowed my self to think of the possibility that things could change for me; that given enough effort and faith, maybe I could get one little thing that I wanted. I'm not so sure at all that I should have come out from the burden of cynicism that had become a hole where I buried all my dreams...At least when I was convinced that all was shit and would always be shit, I didn't set myself up for more heartbreak.

Have you ever allowed yourself to dream? Have you ever had a want or a wish that was so close you could close your eyes and be there? Sometimes, I close my eyes and I am alone on the streets of Boston or sitting on a bench in Newburyport. I am happy. I am where my body, mind and spirit feels at home. I do not feel as I do now that I have awakened to someone else's life and wondered where I've been all these years. I found myself in Boston and I convinced myself that I could have me back if I tried.

I want to leave this place. Every day something happens that confirms it for me....that I should leave this place. It is time. It is not natural for someone (even me) to cry every dam day in abject misery because this is just not where I want to be. Boston is the dream I allowed myself. Despite everything negative that anyone could say, Boston was/is right for me and when I'm convinced of something, I will move heaven and hell to make it happen. But right now I'm pushing and nothing seems to be happening. For all my efforts I can't seem to get the house together to put on the market and the dam employment applications are a nightmare. Did I say nightmare? I meant a fucking nightmare! I come home drained and exhausted. And for what???All I want to do is cry or drink wine until my tongue is numb. I wake up the next day and it's another day and I'm no closer to that dream. Can misery make you lose your mind? I'm on the fast train to being there if something doesn't give....


At 6:22 PM , Blogger Professor Zero said...

What's the deal with the employment applications?

At 6:28 PM , Blogger Professor Zero said...

P.S. The reason I have not done more with my own life is that it would scare my mother. Seriously: guilt about scaring her or making her envious was the strongest motivating force in my life. How to do enough to stay alive, but not enough to scare her, was my constant quandary. The lesson: please yourself, because people who do not want to be pleased, will never be, no matter what.

I also want to move from where I am, and it is difficult to get myself into a position to do so advantageously because the place where I am drags me down.

At 9:13 PM , Blogger Professor Zero said...

P.P.S. This
was me in a similar mood, just more veiled (for the sake of the Internets).

Job letters: my technique is, get together with someone, each read the other person's, get them in shape and send them out. It is like washing dishes or filing papers - easier when they're not your own.

At 7:43 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aw c'mon Barbs! it will happen you and I will be out of our respective places very soon, donchya know it :) Just got to soldier on kicking against the pricks in the meanwhiles!


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